Audiences have learned not to expect a genuine thought from director Michael Bay who is obviously known for his intense action sequences, loud explosions, and busty actresses, well...models, but Transformers: Dark of the Moon is just plain stupid. Similar to X-Men: First Class, the plot revolves around changing historical events, this time dealing with the 1969 moon landing as opposed to the Cuban Missile Crisis. The movie begins by trying to explain something important about the alien robot race while rushing through moments pertaining to what Michael Bay says the moon landing was all about. Just like the first two movies, Transformers 3 starts off ridiculous, but pretty entertaining despite its stupidity, then becomes almost unbearable.
Even though Sam Witwicky, played by the over-enthused Shia LaBeouf (man, that's a lot of vowels), and his girlfriend Mikaela from the previous films seemed perfectly fine, they have clearly gone their separate ways due to the dispute between Bay and Megan Fox off camera. Without much explanation, in comes Carly Miller played by Victoria's Secret supermodel Rosie Huntington-Whitely. I don't know how Sam manages to score with these beauties but more power to you pal. She's certainly easy to look at and actually not a bad actress when you consider the role she's performing. Meeting her on screen as well as the scene involving Sam receiving the Medal of Honor from Obama are quite entertaining. Then the "plot" begins to unravel.
I never thought I'd be confused by something as simpleminded as a Michael Bay movie, but I guess it's because I expect movies to make sense. It takes a while to figure out what everyone is fighting over and what it does, but when you do it doesn't really matter. Something that teleports weapons and machines from space to Earth in order to rebuild Cybertron, thus making humans the Transformers' slaves even though they're killing them War of the Worlds style. Again, doesn't make sense, but whatever.
This installment in the franchise has all the action you would presume, but the real entertainment comes from the reputation-ruining small roles from people like John Turturro, Patrick Dempsey, and John Malkovich. Turturro behaves the same way as he did in the other films, Dempsey is a complete jerk, and Malkovich is a riot. Ken Jeong, however, who also shows up in the movie is utterly unbearable. I don't know what people see in him, but he is literally unwatchable. Alan Tudyk, better known as "Steve the Pirate" from Dodgeball delivers his share of humor, on the other hand, and should be used more often in actual comedies.
Although Bay feels the need to try and make his movies funny, they're all about the action. The final battle in Chicago, which is at least 45 minutes long but only needs to be about 5, just seems like Bay sat around a toy box with Transformer action figures causing a ruckus. It's all unnecessary and the damage inflicted on the city did the same to my brain cells. Slow motion robots fighting and Shia repeatedly shouting "DO YOU UNDERSTAND?!" is not what I call a movie. What else can you expect from Michael Bay though? It's my own fault that I went to go see it. It honestly could be better though if it wasn't so long. Either way, save your money but more importantly your time, but even more importantly your smarty brain intelgencey...whoops, I mean intelligence.
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